Usually when we hear the phrase “size matters” we think of the size of a man’s dick, but when it pops into this cam models mind it’s relevance is completely about my body size. In the cam business, we are classified by age, color, hair, and yes by body size. My problem has always been where exactly do I fit in? My best estimation is that I would be considered a curvy model, that is what my husband tells me anyhow. But my mind pictures something totally different when looking at the reflection in the mirror, my mind has always had a distorted view of my body or so I am told. What I see is a body that would easily fit in the BBW category .
Having been obsessed with my weight since my teenage years, I have been all different sizes, and have tried just about every diet out there. My day and how good it was going to be was always determined by the number on the bathroom scales. Three kids born by way of C-section left the body even more marred and never in my wildest of dreams did I ever think I would be taking my clothes off for a living, with plenty of bright light on me. As strange as it may sound I believe that my cam modeling has helped me more with my body confidence and body dysmorphic issues than any counseling sessions have. As with many things talking about something is one thing but doing something about it is another.
Fear of any kind can keep us from living our lives to the fullest, we can read about how to overcome it, talk about it, meditate on it, but the reality is that until we face those fears with action we will never rid ourselves of them. For me the beginning of healing my broken mind was when my Husband did a nude photo shoot of me (We are photographers). The photos were the start of healing for me. The next step was a very real giant one! That step was to spend an afternoon totally nude at a pool full of strangers at a nudist resort. I must confess several shots of vodka a.k.a. liquid courage was a must for this one. I surprised myself by being okay with it, by being okay with my very imperfect body and while there were several exceptionally toned bodies around that pool not one of them was “Perfect”.
There really is something to be said of getting to know a person in the nude stripped of the clothes also strips us of the mask we all wear. As we drove home from that day what permeated my thoughts was the fact that it was the first time I did not look to be sure that I was not the fattest woman there, something that I had been doing for many years. As our photography grew and I started to photograph other women, I learned that many of us have the same body issues and that not one of us is perfect. I found myself wanting to show other women just how beautiful they are, how awesome the human body is. Then enter web cam modeling, oh what a monster that one was for a person with my body issues. Lucky for me I entered Cam Modeling in an age where social media is screaming for body confidence, and body acceptance.
Women, as well as men are demanding for realistic images in our media, as well we should. Now I know you seasoned cam models are wondering the effect of those pesky internet trolls on the body confidence. At first it was like three steps back moment when dealing with a troll telling me how fat I was, I am not going to pretend that it didn’t hurt because truth is it hurt like hell. It tripped me up as a cam model, for a hot minute only as the reminder of a bill that was coming due loomed on the calendar I had to just forget the troll’s hateful comments and sign on and work. As I progressed in my five years of cam modeling my body has been a variety of sizes. I even had a year that I had lost weight and got in fit shape, and oddly enough I lost customers because of that.
It was a pivotal moment for me as a cam model and as a human because I realized that everyone has their own idea of what beauty is. What one man or woman finds attractive another will not and we cannot be everything to everybody! Do you see any of yourself in me? Is there some inner work that you are feeling compelled to do? If so, there is a wealth of information out there on body confidence. I found much help in watching ted x talks, and one in particular stood out to me. One is titled “Stripping away negative body image by Lillian Bustle. She is a Burlesque performer who has dealt with body shaming.
Another good one is “Plus-size? More Like My Size by Ashley Graham, Ashely Graham is a body activist and model in the fashion industry.
In these videos, you will find a wealth of information along with great perspective. Let that be a starting point for you. Another help is journaling, an age-old way of healing the inner self. Add to that some self-care, taking care of our body with nourishing food and exercise. Come up or rather get out for some fresh air. Nourish your friendships, get out of the house and out of cam world for a while. And do not forget the power of having a hobby. Understand that sexy is something innate, it lies in your personality. Your perspective, what you think is totally up to you, and what others think just should not factor in. For even now twenty pounds heavier than I was last year I feel more the sexy vixen than ever because I shifted my perspective, and so can you!